That is the question of the day.
Am I angry?
Or is my state of anger a symptom of depression?
I simply do not know. Nor do I know if I WANT to know.
Those who know me know that I am not a whiner, nor do I make excuses about my thoughts and/or opinions. I'll grab a bull by his BALLS when I really get into a discussion about something I care about. I'm hard headed and stubborn and that same bull would have to have MY balls in his teeth before I'll step back on my thoughts or beliefs. And i'm rarely without a view or quick opinion. I'm hard headed like that. When i'm right, i'm right. Even if I happen to be wrong.
So my point is, it's a rare day when I don't think I have an answer to something.
But right now IS such a moment.
Here's the short version of today's events.
Me and my better 1/2 had a serious blow-up earlier this evening. It was ugly, even by our standards. (Nothing physical. Neither of us have ever struck the other physically. Only BITCHES hit women, not real men.) It's STILL ugly between us. What started the arguement was actually pretty silly and I won't go into the details of it. But it's safe to say that it could have easily been avoided by either of us if we chose to handle it that way. But neither of us did.
We both jumped right on in the fire and we've been going at it ever since. We are now in the "cold and silent" phase of the deal. But here's the thing. She made a statement that didn't mean squat to me at the time, but afterwards...well, it really got me to thinking. In fact, it was pretty much the last thing she said to me. And what did she say?
"You have anger issues".
I left the house shortly after and I went down to my little spot where I can safely...ummm...drink a beer and puff in peace.
Well, as I was sitting there doing my thing, I started to rationally think about the evenings events. I picked it apart from start to finish. And her words kept ringing in my head.
"You have anger issues".
And I realized that...she's 100% right. I do have issues with anger right now. And it's been building for years. But I also realized that maybe theres something else going on with me. Because in a nutshell, here's how I see and feel about my life right now.
I feel like my life has stagnated.
I'm with a woman who loves me, but no longer respects me and in fact, seriously resents me. (She is 100% within her rights to feel both way's. I am 100% responsible for her negative feelings. I'll leave it at that.) I am in a serious rut financially and the light doesn't seem to be anywhere in the future. We're not on the streets or even close to it, but theres absolutely nothing extra. That weighs heavily on me, as it's not what i'm used to and it damn sure isn't the way I want my kids to have to live.
My oldest step-son absolutely hates me. I don't mean DISLIKES me. He HATES me and it has gotten really ugly between us. Add in the fact that he went 3/4 crazy last year...(Skipping school, running away, dope, etc...)
The list of petty ass woe's goes on and on. (Like the 2 tickets I got yesterday.) In short, i'm going through the same shit that 95% of the population goes through.
My entire history -I think- is coming into play here. In a multitude of ways. Those who know me, know some of my history. I was charged as an adult at the age of 14 and I was in turn sent to Maximum Security Prison. I then went on to spend 18 of the next 20 years in such prisons, in three different states. I did SERIOUS time in SERIOUS prisons. I was released in late 2002 after my final stretch (I had served just over 13 years of a 23 year sentence.) and I've basically been straight since then.
But I wonder. Did that time, and my life before that time, effect me in some ways that I don't realize? Has it permantently scarred me to the point where I constantly...simmer? Because that's what i'm doing right now. I realize that now. I'm simmering. I'm a volcano just waiting for that right spark to set me off.
And that scares me. It scares me because the last time I felt this way, I consciously and methodically pumped 5 rounds into a cops chest at point blank range. Only his vest saved his life. (And mine for that matter) I was 14 at the time. And thats why I was originally charged as an adult and sent to prison. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. And that's truly scary.
I have suddenly realized that right now I feel exactly as I did then.
Cold. Distant. Uncaring. Unmotivated. Frozen in place. I'm just...stuck.
I feel stuck in place and I feel powerless over it. And it's the feeling of powerlessness that is absolutely killing me. And scaring me. I have to get out of this rut somehow. I have to get past...whatever it is i'm going through. But first I have to know what and where the fight is.....